Funniest Onion Article of All Time??

Cheney Waits Until Last Minute Again To Buy Sept. 11 Gifts

My favorite line in the article is: "Although Cheney himself has never received any Sept. 11 gifts, with the exception of a pair of silk pajamas from his wife and a second term in office..."

Funny Student Mistake

Ugh... I've been so busy this semester I haven't had time to blog at all. However, while grading papers I ran across this student mistake that made me chuckle so I had to share.

Here is the line: "Even after the truth is known, she is still used as the escape goat."

Lost AP Gems

I was going through my notes from grading the AP U.S. history exam and found these last few gems that I wanted to share. The question I was grading had to do with the impact of the Second Great Awakening on temperance, abolition, Utopian communities, and the cult of domesticity.

• Abraham Lincoln responded to John Brown's actions by writing the Emancipation Proclamation.
• In the North two very important commodities were beer and slaves. Without these two commodities the North's economy would have a tough time getting by.
• There were many great abolitionists such as Martin Luther King, Jr., Fredrick Douglass, and Ulysses S. Grant.
• The Brook Farm experiment proved to be ineffective because people died from not having sexual pleasure.
• The Shriners did not believe in procreation.
• It was safer to face an angry Southerner than an angry lion.
• The only lasting impact of the Oneidas was their silverware. I myself have a rubber Oneida spatula purchased five years ago at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.
• Actually none of this is probably true. I don't know what I'm talking about.

The Difference Between the AHA Conference and AP Grading

For those of you who have ever wondered about the differences between attending the AHA Conference and AP Grading here is a handy little sheet. There are probably other differences too, but these are the only ones I could come up with before dinner.

Some of the best lines from the AP papers I graded in the last two days about the Great Awakening:

• Also during the Great Awakening people started changing their way of life. People started listening to different kinds of music like jazz.
• When Virginia Tech quarterback Michael Vick was drafted to play football for Atlanta Falcons he brought a whole new style with him. This is much like the Second Great Awakening.
• When Tom Sawyer wrote Uncle Tom's Cabin it created excitement around the world.
• Before the Second Great Awakening Puritans and Muslims were trying to make themselves fit into society.
• Alcohol and religion just seem to go together.
• I suck at history, why can't this be a math test?

These are some lines from a question on the Shay's Rebellion and the Whiskey Rebellion.

• Nothing can come between a man and his whiskey except maybe 13,000 troops.
• Shay's Rebellion was an important even remembered by many people. Unfortunately, I am not one of them.

A Little Knowledge of History is a Dangerous Thing

Found this on McSweeney's. It is pretty hillarious.

CONVERSATIONS BETWEEN FAMOUS PEOPLE AS IMAGINED BY SOMEONE WITH AN AMERICAN PUBLIC-SCHOOL EDUCATION WHO DIDN'T PAY TOO MUCH ATTENTION IN SCHOOL BUT WHO DID JUST ENOUGH TO PASS THE EXAMS

Richard Nixon and Winston Churchill
NIXON: Hello, I see you're smoking a cigar and wearing a large hat.
CHURCHILL: So I am, young chap. Could I interest you in a cigar?
NIXON: Sure, I think I smoke cigars ... maybe ... I don't know.
(CHURCHILL hands a cigar to NIXON, who bites off the tip and lights it.)
NIXON: We were probably alive at the same time.
CHURCHILL: Indeed, my boy, indeed. I had something to do with World War II and I think maybe you fought in it.
NIXON: I'm not sure if I did.
CHURCHILL: There's not that much more about me that everyone knows.
NIXON: I once held up my hands and formed two peace signs. I was either about to get onto a plane or get off of one.
CHURCHILL: I have seen the photo, because I think there were cameras when I was alive.
NIXON: And what about Watergate? I did that.
CHURCHILL: Margaret Thatcher is someone else from England. She was leader after me.
NIXON: People can buy masks of my face.

Abraham Lincoln and Hitler
HITLER: Kill the Jews.
ABE: Free the slaves.
HITLER: Kill everyone, especially the Jews. Nazis are the best.
ABE: Emancipation Proclamation.
HITLER: Mein Kampf.
ABE: Four score and seven years ago.
HITLER: Kill all Jews!
ABE: I was shot in the head at a play, because the Civil War made people from the South angry.
HITLER: I created Nazis.